I had my last session of the year with my therapist yesterday and it was one of those breakthrough moments. I tend to enjoy when she delivers a different energy, a new line of questioning because I’ve learnt to anticipate its outcome and am never disappointed. With each session it becomes more apparent where she strings together all that we discussed. It’s interesting as I’ve never seen her take notes yet somehow she recalls the most important things and then some. This session felt like the most important threading of all so far.
It became very apparent to us both, through a series of gruelling questioning that I have a great amount of self respect, this was something I always felt but never witnessed with the level of consciousness present yesterday. It kind of let me know that even when I do something that I myself question, at the core of me is this healthy self respect, I feel very powerfully guided by that awareness.
In the week prior to this recent session it was suggested that I become comfortable with “not knowing”. At the time, the importance of this wasn’t apparent I jokingly told her I’m an evidence based person, my logic and sense of reason have to be satiated, she smirked back at me knowingly and patiently. So there I was unaware of the importance of “not knowing” whilst low key feeling she’s known for some time now and I’m about to find out! For those who don’t know what talk therapy is; it really says it in the name, we talk! There are questions and prompts from the therapist that create a safe space for you to discuss you, your life, a good therapist artfully keeps their patient from wondering off into useless tangents. After almost an hour of talking, just before the end of our session, a session that was far more cerebral than it was emotional, she asked the question “what is the most primitive part of yourself that you need to leave behind?” As she spoke and within the context of the 48 minutes that had elapsed, in my mind I could hear “the need for things to make sense” and I could see the many scenarios in my life that I struggled to make sense of. It would maybe be difficult for you to grasp how profound a moment this was for me because it is my story, my journey and something I have experienced in its fullness, so I suppose just take my words for it, it was a huge moment and I most definitely cried!
I try not to cry in front of most people, an ex even said he couldnt believe how shocked I was that I cried in front of him, its normal I know, but if you’ve been paying attetion you’ll already know I’ve struggled with vulnerability. So crying in front of my therapist who is really a stranger to me, shouldn’t feel okay, but I welcome it because it signals that we’re getting somewhere.
I’m liking this idea of just sitting with the truth of something, because the truth doesn’t always make sense, look at nature, our existence, the fact some of us can identify with a series of stars and planets. For most of my life I have put an unfair requirement on the truth to make sense, it making sense would help me to understand my wounds and why they were inflicted, I’ve been tirelessly searching for the “good reason” for the good in each truth. But there is a universal truth that good or bad, some truths exist and we may never know why. I’m certain many of us at some point in life have questioned this figure of divine wisdom many refer to as God. If God is truly so wise, truly so good wtf do serial killers exist, rapists, molesters, liars even. Wouldn’t divine wisdom and all encompassing power create perfection?
I’m not going to go down that rabbit hole with you all today. Today I felt like sharing that now I want to relieve myself of needing to find the good in truth, I want to instead accept the truth and meet it where I find it. I want it to be that my experience of the truth is enough, that this alone be the thing that guides me. If this resonates with you, I hope you allow your truth to guide you, I hope you accept the truth of others and move forward in life not challenging another’s truth but just being fully cognisant of how it impacts you and the power you have to change that.
To end, and to answer the question, is therapy the greatest gift? It certainly has been a wonderful gift to myself, I certainly wish it for others. This Christmas, as with all Christmases there will be many who cannot partake in the seasons festivities be that because of finances, or not having anyone to share it with. Love remains the greatest gift, to ourselves and to others, if that is all you have to share please know that it is more than enough. If you have extra love to give, please don’t hesitate.
If you’re interested in gifting love, time or anything else this christmas check out the below links.