Love is by far my fave topic, it's my favourite genre in everything. My life could probably be wrapped up as a study of love - self love, family love, platonic love, romantic love, toxic love, fake love, “God I see what you have done for others" love, unconditional love and more. Recently I've been contemplating the relationship between love and pain, in short it is my belief the two do not go together. However, I knew that belief needed to be refined because life shows us that love and pain often go hand in hand. So let me be clearer, it is not my belief that love and the pain inflicted by those outside of ourselves go together.
We are designed to protect ourselves; some animals have sharp nails, teeth and the ability to make thunderously loud noises, us humans we also protect ourselves from feeling emotional pain. As children we create these fantasies these subjective realities designed to make us feel psychologically safe but interestingly, I’m learning how the fear of being hurt quite easily and deeply nestled within our sub conscious, becomes the fear of being loved.
We are social beings so we don’t want to be lonely we want to be wanted, needed, valued, adored so what happens? We create problematic bonds, a type of bond I’m currently reading on is called a “Fantasy Bond”. A fantasy bond is our sub conscious solution to not truly being vulnerable, in place of true love we create this imitation (fantasy) love that doesn't require us to be truly and deeply intimate with our partners. True intimacy requires vulnerability, true love requires vulnerability, vulnerability requires honesty. When in a fantasy bond we go through the motions of intimacy, we attempt to feel secure in the illusion of connectedness which in reality is loosing our sense of self to identify with another as a unit we exchange spontaneity for mechanics.
As my daughter would say “I have a hypothesis!” I think true love is painful,
truth is she also says she is a hypothesis which is just way too clever for me to even comprehend. I think true love is painful because it requires us to confront the truth, our truth and I don’t think the truth is easy to stand toe to toe with, it’s why so many of us distract ourselves, this is a reason why so many of us found any and every way to be busy, productive while stuck at home. To face the truth is to kill your ego, an ego created to help you understand your place in life.
Think about it, think about true love. The most certain I am of an experience of love is the one I have for my children, it's the most genuine love I know. I remember the first time I saw a little boy, no older than 7, hold my toddler sons feet down so he couldn’t stand up. I thought I had known rage, but I hadn’t know it until that moment. To see my child being attacked by another persons meanness cut though me deeply I was disturbed by it for a long time after the incident. So suffice to say I am unable and unwilling to consider my children in more dangerous, life threatening circumstances. I am unable because I believe to loose them would be equal to loosing my mind. I fear loosing my mind more than death, I fear loosing my children more than anything. There is perhaps a biological thing within me that doesn’t allow those barriers to protect me from that, so I am completely and utterly vulnerable to it, I exist with it daily and I love them absolutely. To love is to risk loss, abandonment, unrequited feelings. To be truly loved is to be truly ourselves, if we can’t show up authentically for ourselves how do we expect others to?
I don’t know if we all live in a deluded state, but I do believe each of us carries within our objective realities at least a smidgen of delusion. It doesn’t have to be because of a traumatic childhood, our earliest sense of self is handed to us, reflected to to us by our caretakers in astrology this is reflected in your 1st house, it's the foundation of who you are. We continue to be shaped by our experiences and thus the ego self continues to develop.
Have you sat with your nothingness? We speak a lot about the shadow self, an equally important journey towards ones truth, but how about your nothing? What have you discovered within the silence? Within stillness? Discovery makes us think action, but I don’t believe our truth is always found through active discovery but through release. You don’t realise how heavy a burden you carry until you feel the lightness as the load lifts, it's a scary feeling, It disorients us not because it's bad but because it's unfamiliar. That’s why I believe love is painful, true love is unfamiliar to most of us, it is rare, it is hard, It is the antithesis of a fantasy bond. It is painful because we have to smash down every single barrier placed before it, every single barrier preventing us from being authentic, being vulnerable, being hurt. It is painful because in feeling love we anticipate pain. Feel the pain, feel the joy, feel everything!
And I know, you know what it feels like to be hurt, you know pain, you know loss and suffering, I get it. But just as manipulation can feel like love, so too can pleasure feel like pain, pain like pleasure. find the truth. During my research on fantasy bonds I came across comments like “Is a fantasy bond always bad?”, “What if I’m happy within my fantasy bond?”. It just goes to show how alluring that delusion is, how reluctant we can be to exploring beyond it, how in disbelief we are that anything better can be achieved.
There isn’t really a message here, just a sharing of information I find interesting, information that informs my decisions regarding Kikelomo. I’ve been intentional about limiting access to meaningless distractions at Kikelomo, as an experience it will offer a chance to connect with nature, a space where time can slow down momentarily allowing us to learn within stillness, in an environment that supports each persons truth. We look forward to greeting you as you are.
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