Someone once asked me to describe myself and I drew blank. I’ve always been aware I am not a self promoter, but the fact I couldn’t comfortably put a sentence together that informed a stranger who I was, was shocking. I realise now the issue is that it would be difficult to condense who I was into a sentence or even a paragraph, I am the kind of girlfriend who sends paragraphs on Whatsapp (don’t judge me!). That realisation has lead me here, to blogging and what better way to begin than to introduce myself.
I’m Kimberly, with an “ly” not “ley”, I dislike being called Kim simply because I have one of those names others take the liberty of shortening without question or need for familiarity. If we get into a conversation, I’m likely to turn it into a debate and be contrary if the topic is brain porn to me. I was born in the 80’s in Jamaica, something I’m very proud of as my positive regard for the country, its people and culture is unending. My other home is London, it’s where I now raise my two incredible children.
Something worth knowing is I have rebuilt my life once before and am doing so again, or perhaps it would be more accurate to say I continue to do so. I believe most who were once married or in a long term partnership take this journey. When my marriage broke down, I didn’t only loose that partnership, I lost a career, a business partnership. At the time if I were to write a list of priorities that business and career would be within the top 3, so it was a profound loss. Also a weird kind of loss because I still co own the business, I still benefit from its success, my role however drastically changed. When this happened, at the time of it happening, I was severely depressed thus questioned my value and unfortunately concluded I wasn’t of much value. What followed were years of perceiving myself as inadequate ceased by a crippling fear that alone I couldn’t succeed, alone I would fail and perhaps being alone was my destiny.
To a young woman, who learnt and excelled at self reliance this was new, it was strange but sadly I accepted it and rested comfortably within these thought patterns and emotions for a number of years. I would love to tell you that as I type this today I am an embodiment of confidence or positive self regard but the truth isn’t so simple. The reality is far more complex, I have greater self awareness and learnt tools, developed skills that help me better navigate self doubt, I show up for myself daily with practices and routines that reinforce my self esteem and have established firmer boundaries with myself as well as others. Perhaps one day it will be effortless but until then I’m happy consciously working towards being a better me.
“When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.” — Audrey Lorde
Throughout those years of depression I was also a new mother; I’ll be discussing this more in future posts. Whilst motherhood came naturally and provided me with a necessary sense of adequacy I knew my ambitions were not centred in parenthood. I quietly typed away on this very same computer some visions and dreams for a new business. Those documents would sit for months unattended to because there was a dual experience of excitement and fear. I wish fear in this instance proved to be a motivator but it just wasn’t, I would retreat into self doubt, letting it hug me warmly. If I knew exactly what would bring me out of those doubtful storms I would happily share it with others offering a step by step guide, but I don't! Perhaps it was my children, perhaps my very own inner child, or perhaps a kind word from a friend or stranger. Whatever it was on occasion I would make it out and over a five year period the plan developed alongside my confidence.
Kikelomo! just seeing that name makes me emotional, it contains so much that I hope to offer to you and is symbolic of the journey I have been on a journey not quite over. I have already experienced small victories on this Kikelomo journey, the big reward awaits and I’m not shy to say that if all goes well, Kikelomo will be my living testimony. A testimony that if we push beyond our fears our greatness can be revealed. Through this blog I hope we get to know one another better, I hope you stay with me as I pursue my dreams and conquer those pesky fears, I hope this inspires you, I hope to be inspired by you. There is so much more to come and your comments and feedback are most welcome.
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